Things you're strangely proud of, but shouldn't be

SmokeRings

Well-known member
Patron
#61
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a Mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
Did they accept your application?
 

RedScot

Well-known member
#63
....et voila! I have a new favorite thread.

But seriously.
My dad could pop his right eye out of socket - sober. A few beers and he could get the left one to pop out, too.
My older sister found it horrifying; my younger sister and I, fascinating. We gave ourselves headaches trying to duplicate the stunt. Sober, drunk, rolling, we tried and failed.
I remained convinced that a) it was simply a matter of finding the right muscles to flex, and b) I'd never be able to do it. After Jack, my dad, passed in '07 I thought the secret died with him.
A few years ago, one night in the shower I got an eyeful of soap. Instinctively I closed my eyes as tightly as I could, to the point that I could feel a small group of skull muscles near my temple flex. That was my eureka! moment. I realized that it's simply a matter of closing your eyes as tightly as you can while simultaneously opening your eyes as widely as possible. I can do it with either or both eyes.
And yes, of course I called my sister immediately.
Experience suggests that some of you will go to bed with headaches tonight. Never give up.
I also must caution you: don't do it while or just before sneezing, or while wearing swim goggles. Don't ask how I know.

There are other things that come to mind, of course, but this is the one that I'm most unduly proud of. Walking in on exactly the wrong part of a conversation is a close second.
 

cossar

Well-known member
Patron
#64
....et voila! I have a new favorite thread.

But seriously.
My dad could pop his right eye out of socket - sober. A few beers and he could get the left one to pop out, too.
My older sister found it horrifying; my younger sister and I, fascinating. We gave ourselves headaches trying to duplicate the stunt. Sober, drunk, rolling, we tried and failed.
I remained convinced that a) it was simply a matter of finding the right muscles to flex, and b) I'd never be able to do it. After Jack, my dad, passed in '07 I thought the secret died with him.
A few years ago, one night in the shower I got an eyeful of soap. Instinctively I closed my eyes as tightly as I could, to the point that I could feel a small group of skull muscles near my temple flex. That was my eureka! moment. I realized that it's simply a matter of closing your eyes as tightly as you can while simultaneously opening your eyes as widely as possible. I can do it with either or both eyes.
And yes, of course I called my sister immediately.
Experience suggests that some of you will go to bed with headaches tonight. Never give up.
I also must caution you: don't do it while or just before sneezing, or while wearing swim goggles. Don't ask how I know.

There are other things that come to mind, of course, but this is the one that I'm most unduly proud of. Walking in on exactly the wrong part of a conversation is a close second.
:startle:
 

Arkie

Well-known member
#70
....et voila! I have a new favorite thread.

But seriously.
My dad could pop his right eye out of socket - sober. A few beers and he could get the left one to pop out, too.
My older sister found it horrifying; my younger sister and I, fascinating. We gave ourselves headaches trying to duplicate the stunt. Sober, drunk, rolling, we tried and failed.
I remained convinced that a) it was simply a matter of finding the right muscles to flex, and b) I'd never be able to do it. After Jack, my dad, passed in '07 I thought the secret died with him.
A few years ago, one night in the shower I got an eyeful of soap. Instinctively I closed my eyes as tightly as I could, to the point that I could feel a small group of skull muscles near my temple flex. That was my eureka! moment. I realized that it's simply a matter of closing your eyes as tightly as you can while simultaneously opening your eyes as widely as possible. I can do it with either or both eyes.
And yes, of course I called my sister immediately.
Experience suggests that some of you will go to bed with headaches tonight. Never give up.
I also must caution you: don't do it while or just before sneezing, or while wearing swim goggles. Don't ask how I know.

There are other things that come to mind, of course, but this is the one that I'm most unduly proud of. Walking in on exactly the wrong part of a conversation is a close second.
I once had a scuba buddy that could pop out his glass eye into his scuba mask under water. The other divers went freaking beserk and I would almost lose my regulator out of my mouth laughing so hard.
 

Some_Mook

Well-known member
#71
I made an observation to a co-worker recently, and she replied by telling me that I have a tendency to say things in a manner that makes other people feel really stupid.

Now, a moron (me) who can make other morons feel stupid (my fellow salt-miners), is probably not something to be proud of - but it is a little satisfying, even though in the long run it accomplishes nothing. Absolutely nothing.
 

Briar Buck

Well-known member
#74
When I was a teen I learned how to control hiccupping and I haven't done so since then. My wife, on the other hand, suffers from long bouts of loud helpless hiccups, so I feel we cancel each other out.
Couple of drops of Hot Sause. It has to do with capsaicin being absorbed by the TRP Nerve that runs down the back of your throat. Stops hiccups every time.