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What do you do if there is disapproval?

Merk3030

Well-known member
#1
My wife and I are ex nicotine junkies. I quit cigarettes and all things tobacco just shy of ten years ago, and she before me. It was tough for me. Not just the addiction part, but because I did enjoy it. Tobacco fascinates me and in an increasingly stressful and hectic place in my life it seemed to have the answer I was searching for. Something that I could do to bring a little peace into my life and slow me down for a minute. After much thought and contemplation , I decided that I was going to enjoy a pipe every now and then. And maybe even a ceegar.

Easier said than done. My better half is not too thrilled with the idea. She gave a very lukewarm response when I broached the subject (she has her reasons as she lost her mother to lung cancer) and I am sure smoking around the kiddies would not end very well right now. As such, I try to get my bowls in when they are in bed and she is away or sleeping. I basically don’t get much smoking time. I really don’t want to be bothered with sneaking around, but I want to keep the peace, too.

Where/when do you find the time to relax with your pipes? Do any of you struggle with the same situation?

Take care,
Tom
 

WalkinStick

May actually be The Devil
Sales
Patron
Old Ted Award Winner
#2
This is going to be a tough question to answer for you, because everybody’s situation is different.

My wife has never smoked. Didn’t drink when we met, didn’t curse, was polite and sweet to everyone. (I know what you’re all thinking. Cram it.)

I smoked almost two packs a day and dipped a can and a half of Copenhagen every day when we first got together. She doesn’t understand nicotine. She still doesn’t like it. But we’ve been together since we were basically kids, and she lets me do what I want to do as long as I’m not rapidly killing myself. I smoke pipes, she deals with it.

My little girl even has a little pipe that was a gift from a friend here, and she takes it everywhere. Did I catch some sideye from my wife for it at first? Of course. Now she thinks it’s funny.

You could try explaining to her that you’re not inhaling the smoke, or any number of other things. At the end of the day though, she just may not want you doing it at all. Nobody here can say “just tell her this” and give you a free ticket to smoke as much as you like.
 

StompyMcFat

Well-known member
#3
The balance between self and family can be a delicate one, and in more areas than tobacco use. Since the baby came, I've paired way back to avoid a conflict. I usually smoke while driving now. I have little advice for you, but perhaps think on what her core issues could be. She beat cigarettes, and she may have a recovery mindset. If so she could see pipes as a relapse in progress. If so she may get more positive when you show that pipes are sufficient for you. I guess what I am saying is be a pipe smoker if you would like, but be a considerate pipe smoker at home. I hope my rambling makes sense, and good luck.
 

Kiowapipe

Well-known member
#6
I quit smoking in the house altogether whenever we had an infant (3 kids = ~3 years). It was my own decision- the doctors really scared the hell out of me with that SIDS business. Kids are all a little bigger now, but I still try to keep my smoking away from them (indoors, at least). I figure whatever the health risks may be, I'll assume them for myself but not for the kids. I do sometimes smoke in the house now after everyone is in bed. Other than that I sometimes grab a cob in the car on the weekend or in the yard when it's nice out.

My wife has never been a smoker of any kind. She's gone back and forth over the years between being vaguely concerned and unhappy about my smoking and being pretty OK with it. These days she really doesn't seem to mind, and in fact she'll even get me a tin of tobacco for Christmas. I've talked to her before about how pipes are different, how I'm not inhaling and how I'm usually at just a few bowls a week. Seems to make sense to her. I mean, we all know it's not the healthiest habit, but there are far worse vices.

I think @StompyMcFat raises a good point- if she's a recovering cigarette addict, the smoke may make her uncomfortable for reasons other than just concern about your health. We all know people who quit smoking cigarettes twenty years ago who still get that look in their eye when someone else lights up. Sometimes feelings of resentment can crop up (he gets to smoke, why don't I??).

I'm speaking as someone who's been on that side of things. Take this for what it's worth, but I first quit drinking around ten years ago. Back then, there were times when it really bothered me to see my wife have a drink or two with her friends. She's never been a big drinker (particularly compared to me), and she's always been very responsible about it, but it could still bug me. Thankfully I'm now long past those feelings.

I should also say, though, that my wife almost never has a drink at home these days, and it really means a lot to me that she's willing to forego the enjoyment of an occasional beer or glass of wine out of consideration for me.

I don't know if that has any application to your situation, but it might be something to think about. I'm not trying to talk anybody out of enjoying a pipe here, but in the grand scheme of things tobacco isn't a big deal, and your wife is.
 

Merk3030

Well-known member
#8
This is going to be a tough question to answer for you, because everybody’s situation is different.

My wife has never smoked. Didn’t drink when we met, didn’t curse, was polite and sweet to everyone. (I know what you’re all thinking. Cram it.)

I smoked almost two packs a day and dipped a can and a half of Copenhagen every day when we first got together. She doesn’t understand nicotine. She still doesn’t like it. But we’ve been together since we were basically kids, and she lets me do what I want to do as long as I’m not rapidly killing myself. I smoke pipes, she deals with it.

My little girl even has a little pipe that was a gift from a friend here, and she takes it everywhere. Did I catch some sideye from my wife for it at first? Of course. Now she thinks it’s funny.

You could try explaining to her that you’re not working inhaling the smoke, or any number of other things. At the end of the day though, she just may not want you doing it at all. Nobody here can say “just tell her this” and give you a free ticket to smoke as much as you like.
Thank you for sharing. I agree there would not be a magic phrase that would produce that free ticket. It would be nice though! :)

The balance between self and family can be a delicate one, and in more areas than tobacco use. Since the baby came, I've paired way back to avoid a conflict. I usually smoke while driving now. I have little advice for you, but perhaps think on what her core issues could be. She beat cigarettes, and she may have a recovery mindset. If so she could see pipes as a relapse in progress. If so she may get more positive when you show that pipes are sufficient for you. I guess what I am saying is be a pipe smoker if you would like, but be a considerate pipe smoker at home. I hope my rambling makes sense, and good luck.
It does and you make a good point. I thought it is more tied to her mother’s passing than her own addiction, but I didn’t really think of that.

It's a selfish venture, nobody smokes for anyone else but they do get pressured into quitting by others. Give her a breakdown on why it's important to cultivate moments of peace, maybe she'll understand your angle, chances are the disapproval won't go away but it might get worn down in time.
It is a selfish venture, I think this is where I struggle, but sometimes I feel I have earned it. Heh.

@WalkinStick well spoken, Jake.
@Merk3030 cant answer that
one for you. I find a commute
smoke to be the ticket some
times. FWIW
I have been fortunate to have a short commute, but was thinking of starting to take a lunch break as I usually just eat at my desk. I think that is where I will find my time.

I quit smoking in the house altogether whenever we had an infant (3 kids = ~3 years). It was my own decision- the doctors really scared the hell out of me with that SIDS business. Kids are all a little bigger now, but I still try to keep my smoking away from them (indoors, at least). I figure whatever the health risks may be, I'll assume them for myself but not for the kids. I do sometimes smoke in the house now after everyone is in bed. Other than that I sometimes grab a cob in the car on the weekend or in the yard when it's nice out.

My wife has never been a smoker of any kind. She's gone back and forth over the years between being vaguely concerned and unhappy about my smoking and being pretty OK with it. These days she really doesn't seem to mind, and in fact she'll even get me a tin of tobacco for Christmas. I've talked to her before about how pipes are different, how I'm not inhaling and how I'm usually at just a few bowls a week. Seems to make sense to her. I mean, we all know it's not the healthiest habit, but there are far worse vices.

I think @StompyMcFat raises a good point- if she's a recovering cigarette addict, the smoke may make her uncomfortable for reasons other than just concern about your health. We all know people who quit smoking cigarettes twenty years ago who still get that look in their eye when someone else lights up. Sometimes feelings of resentment can crop up (he gets to smoke, why don't I??).

I'm speaking as someone who's been on that side of things. Take this for what it's worth, but I first quit drinking around ten years ago. Back then, there were times when it really bothered me to see my wife have a drink or two with her friends. She's never been a big drinker (particularly compared to me), and she's always been very responsible about it, but it could still bug me. Thankfully I'm now long past those feelings.

I should also say, though, that my wife almost never has a drink at home these days, and it really means a lot to me that she's willing to forego the enjoyment of an occasional beer or glass of wine out of consideration for me.

I don't know if that has any application to your situation, but it might be something to think about. I'm not trying to talk anybody out of enjoying a pipe here, but in the grand scheme of things tobacco isn't a big deal, and your wife is.
I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts. Absolutely, I would not let something like baccy skew my relationship with my wife, but I do think there needs to be some kind of common ground (maybe). Just trying to figure that part out.
 

Terminus

Drink Water, Walk It Off
Patron
#9
We all have our vices my friend. She's got them too. Hate to say this but if talking it out with her and explaining your position as a 'hobby" goes south you might have to give it up. Girls run the world, and I would give it all up for my wife. Maybe tell her that, "I really enjoy my hobby, it helps me unwind and I would be sad to give it up...but if you are serious I will give it up for you"
 

blackmouth210

Well-known member
#10
Relationships are to complex for a simple answer here.
Best I can do is recommend one way of finding the answers for yourself.

Talk with her. Not to her. With her.
Explain why you want and enjoy a pipe.
Ask her why she has reservations.
Don't guess at what those reasons may be.

Discuss some options to meet somewhere in the middle of what she wants and what you want.
If middle ground can't be found, then someone is being unfair/unrealistic.
That is not a dead-end...it should just lead to more discussions.

Getting to the root of why you each want what you want and feel how you feel is the only way to resolve this.
And communication with an open mind from both of you is the only way to get to the root.

Good luck.
 

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Well-known member
#11
I've smoked cigars since I was a teenager, continuously. I picked up a pipe in college, as an economy measure.

I also picked up smoking cigarettes in college, as was natural in the time and place. (I come from Indiana, and I attended a rather humble teacher's college in Indiana. At the time, every man over the age of 12 smoked cigarettes.)

Shortly after we were married, my wife made me quit cigarettes. Boy howdy was that a bear. Cigars and a pipe didn't do a damn thing to address the suffering. In fact, they made it worse. It was, well, tough.

I made it, though. I quit. For good. My last cigarette was over fifteen years ago. Hard to count now.

Then she started smoking, at her retail job. Good lord. How I had to hold my tongue. I lasted six months. And then I demanded she quit smoking. The wailing and gnashing of teeth was considerable. But she beat it. Her last cigarette was over ten years ago.

I've retained my cigars and my pipe throughout. It's just a different kettle of fish.

Our fights over cigarettes were real, and honest, and deeply troubling to both of us. The cigar and the pipe are, well, different. Dangerous? sure. Addictive? no doubt. But differently addictive. And less dangerous. (Not without danger -- but less dangerous.)
 

Stinger4me

Well-known member
#12
We all have our vices. There are degrees we have with those vices. I enjoy the pipe and tobacco or cigar for relaxation. Some folks who know me and have never seen me smoke. I prefer to smoke outdoors but some days it is inside. We have seen obese, non-exercising folks tells us about how bad smoking is, LIFE IS ALL ABOUT CHOICES. Good luck with your decision. My doctor asked me about my smoking and when I told him about my smoking, he gave me a little laugh.
 

ShilohHollow

Anchors Aweigh
Staff member
Sales
#13
The only two things you should hide from your wife are presents for her and farts.

Worst case advice: As much as I love pipe smoking and as much enjoyment as it brings me, I think if your wife is this much against it you might want to look at another hobby. With her mother's death and her own struggle for personal recovery, any enjoyment this brings you would bring double pain and anxiety for her.

Best case advice: If you talk to her and she is open to you smoking a pipe on a very limited basis just be open and honest about what your expectations are and what her expectations are and be sure to stick to whatever agreement you guys come to.

I was smoking a pipe way before I met my wife but we still had to have a talk about it. After kids I agreed not smoke in the house anymore and she asked that I do it at night when they're asleep. I stick to my end of the agreement she's held up hers and hasn't made a peep about me smoking at night, but I think it's due to honesty on both sides. She doesn't mind if I smoke a pipe during the day while I'm at home and the boys are busy playing or watching TV or doing something like that. But I clearly say I'm stepping out smoking pipe.
 
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Sir Saartan

The Tan Saarlander
Patron
#14
Where/when do you find the time to relax with your pipes? Do any of you struggle with the same situation?

Take care,
Tom
Without Having to worry about Any of your reasons, I am doing Almosen the same: I Smoke only in the evenings when the children are asleep.
Usually only 2-3 bowls a week. I so far have experienced very Little signs of Addiction. Haven‘t smoked a pipe in 2 weeks without a Problem.

I See Nö Problem in continuing what I am doing.
 

Sir Saartan

The Tan Saarlander
Patron
#15
The only two things you should hide from your wife are presents for her and farts.

Worst case advice: As much as I love pipe smoking and as much enjoyment as it brings me, I think if your wife is this much against it you might want to look at another hobby. With her mother's death and her own struggle for personal recovery, any enjoyment this brings you would bring double pain and anxiety for her.

Best case advice: If you talk to her and she is open to you smoking a pipe on a very limited basis just be open and honest about what your expectations are and what her expectations are and be sure to stick to whatever agreement you guys come to.

I was smoking a pipe way before I met my wife but we still had to have a talk about it. After kids I agreed not smoke in the house anymore and she asked that I do it at night when they're asleep. I stick to my end of the agreement she's held up hers and hasn't made a peep about me smoking at night, but I think it's due to honesty on both sides. She doesn't mind if I sneak a pipe during the day while I'm at home and the boys are busy playing or watching TV or doing something like that. But I clearly say I'm stepping out smoking pipe.
I think this is the best piece of advice one can give. Agreed 100%
 

Merk3030

Well-known member
#16
The only two things you should hide from your wife are presents for her and farts.
I think this is the best piece of advice one can give. Agreed 100%
Ha! I promise nothing when it comes to passing gas.

I do everything open and honestly and am not going to hide things from her. That would spell disaster. More open dialogue is to come for sure.

Everyone’s advice has been great. I appreciate the candidness and sharing of your own experiences.
 

Kayro

Well-known member
#17
I am one of those fortunate creatures who get no static from my wife about smoking my pipe in the house or anywhere else with one exception. This is while we are traveling in the car together. I can understand that and refrain from doing so. I smoked at least two cigars a day along with my pipe before we were married. Shortly after those long ago nuptuals she informed me that the smell of cigar smoke in the house bothered her. I had to agree the smell was not to be appreciated by most. After due deliberation I decided to quit cigars. Every marraige is beset by compromises. Both parties should benefit in some manner or it becomes an imposition of one partner rather than an amicable agreement. On her part she has a house free of stale cigar smoke. For my own part I no longer have to listen to the constant whine of the vacuum cleaner and be strangled in the smell of air fresheners. I love the dear old girl and would even give up my pipe for her if it offended her sensibilities to any great extent. In exchange I would try to negotiate increased consumption of Irish Whisky on my part. It would be worth a try anyway if that fateful day ever comes to pass.
 

craig

Well-known member
#18
it's a difficult one to answer mate.

my parents don't say much as my mam smokes cigarettes and my dad is an ex smoker, I think he would rather me smokes pipes than my cigarette habbit.

my other half has never smoked and has never liked it, she did try at first to get me to quit but I ended up smoking more out of spite so she gave up.

we have sat down and talked about it and she understands that I have a stressful pressurised job at times and that I enjoy my pipes as they are my way of relaxation and enjoyment, while she will never 100% agree with it she has bought me a pipe before and tobacco.
in cased like this compromise is key, we have a deal that any smoking paraphernalia will be bought with my money only, we work on what's mine is mine and what's hers is hers, and as long as I don't go too stupid she tolerates it.

what I would not do is sneak around and try to hide it as you will end up getting found out and what could only be a minor issue quickly inflates to a very big issue.
I would say sit down and try to have an adult discussion and come to a compromise where both parties are happy, if you have an outbuildings of some sort say that will be your smoking etc etc.

as with most things in life an adult conversation, a little give and take from both sides and a mutual understanding can lead to an outcome where both parties are happy.

and if you think that won't work just remember my other half is as stubborn as stubborn can be and it worked for us.
 
#19
as Has been said, no one knows your situation better than you. I can relate to having a wife who does not like my pipe smoking though.

Her and I both smoked cigarettes before kids. She quit when the kids were born I did as well, but like you started back with an occasional cigar that turned into several pipes a day.

You are doing some things I do already. I now have between two to three pipes a day and one is always when everyone is asleep. So that one is fine. I try to do the others when she is not around. Usually when I drive somewhere. I smoke in front of the kids when they are outside (I don’t smoke inside the house)

She has grown to accept it, but would rather I quit. If she knew how much money I have in pipes and tobacco’s, she might kill me. Lol
 

Merk3030

Well-known member
#20
my other half has never smoked and has never liked it, she did try at first to get me to quit but I ended up smoking more out of spite so she gave up.
I was the same when anyone tried to bug me about quitting. It is a very personal dicision and must come from within.

as Has been said, no one knows your situation better than you. I can relate to having a wife who does not like my pipe smoking though.

Her and I both smoked cigarettes before kids. She quit when the kids were born I did as well, but like you started back with an occasional cigar that turned into several pipes a day.

You are doing some things I do already. I now have between two to three pipes a day and one is always when everyone is asleep. So that one is fine. I try to do the others when she is not around. Usually when I drive somewhere. I smoke in front of the kids when they are outside (I don’t smoke inside the house)

She has grown to accept it, but would rather I quit. If she knew how much money I have in pipes and tobacco’s, she might kill me. Lol
Ha, there are fates worse than death when it comes to spouses. I will keep it to evning and work breaks for now. I have been clenching my home brew pipe around the house to soften subliminally.

I am one of those fortunate creatures who get no static from my wife about smoking my pipe in the house or anywhere else with one exception. This is while we are traveling in the car together. I can understand that and refrain from doing so. I smoked at least two cigars a day along with my pipe before we were married. Shortly after those long ago nuptuals she informed me that the smell of cigar smoke in the house bothered her. I had to agree the smell was not to be appreciated by most. After due deliberation I decided to quit cigars. Every marraige is beset by compromises. Both parties should benefit in some manner or it becomes an imposition of one partner rather than an amicable agreement. On her part she has a house free of stale cigar smoke. For my own part I no longer have to listen to the constant whine of the vacuum cleaner and be strangled in the smell of air fresheners. I love the dear old girl and would even give up my pipe for her if it offended her sensibilities to any great extent. In exchange I would try to negotiate increased consumption of Irish Whisky on my part. It would be worth a try anyway if that fateful day ever comes to pass.
It would probably be easier to drink whisky in excess!!

We all have our vices. There are degrees we have with those vices. I enjoy the pipe and tobacco or cigar for relaxation. Some folks who know me and have never seen me smoke. I prefer to smoke outdoors but some days it is inside. We have seen obese, non-exercising folks tells us about how bad smoking is, LIFE IS ALL ABOUT CHOICES. Good luck with your decision. My doctor asked me about my smoking and when I told him about my smoking, he gave me a little laugh.
Was he laughing because he wasn’t so concerned about the smoking. Oddly enough I am trying to also use piping as motivation to lose weight. Perhaps more outside time on walks or as a milestone treat. Lose 5 lbs, treat mysel to a session. Just a thought...

I've smoked cigars since I was a teenager, continuously. I picked up a pipe in college, as an economy measure.

I also picked up smoking cigarettes in college, as was natural in the time and place. (I come from Indiana, and I attended a rather humble teacher's college in Indiana. At the time, every man over the age of 12 smoked cigarettes.)

Shortly after we were married, my wife made me quit cigarettes. Boy howdy was that a bear. Cigars and a pipe didn't do a damn thing to address the suffering. In fact, they made it worse. It was, well, tough.

I made it, though. I quit. For good. My last cigarette was over fifteen years ago. Hard to count now.

Then she started smoking, at her retail job. Good lord. How I had to hold my tongue. I lasted six months. And then I demanded she quit smoking. The wailing and gnashing of teeth was considerable. But she beat it. Her last cigarette was over ten years ago.

I've retained my cigars and my pipe throughout. It's just a different kettle of fish.

Our fights over cigarettes were real, and honest, and deeply troubling to both of us. The cigar and the pipe are, well, different. Dangerous? sure. Addictive? no doubt. But differently addictive. And less dangerous. (Not without danger -- but less dangerous.)
that is how it was for me when I quit. Very tough. She did not seem to have such a hard time. I feel I a disciplined to the point where I can enjoy without a total and utter relapse.

We all have our vices my friend. She's got them too. Hate to say this but if talking it out with her and explaining your position as a 'hobby" goes south you might have to give it up. Girls run the world, and I would give it all up for my wife. Maybe tell her that, "I really enjoy my hobby, it helps me unwind and I would be sad to give it up...but if you are serious I will give it up for you"
There is a comedian who said that women have half the money and all the...well I will need to keep it PG, but long story short - it is only a matter of time before they have all the money...