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What do you do if there is disapproval?

Shasta Piper

Well-known member
#21
I’ll just add, tread lightly and progress slowly. Sixteen years ago when my wife first caught me with a pipe, she was not too happy. First I smoked outside, then in my garage, then I got a smoking room, now I can smoke anywhere. She actually encourages my pipe smoking now. She just bought me a Charatan for our 19th anniversary and a Dr. Bob for Christmas.
Take baby steps and don’t push too hard, too fast.
Also, reciprocate by encouraging your wife to do something she loves. My wife is a runner and I never miss a chance to cheer her on!
 

ChristTiger

Resident Feline
Sales
#23
The only two things you should hide from your wife are presents for her and farts.

Worst case advice: As much as I love pipe smoking and as much enjoyment as it brings me, I think if your wife is this much against it you might want to look at another hobby. With her mother's death and her own struggle for personal recovery, any enjoyment this brings you would bring double pain and anxiety for her.

Best case advice: If you talk to her and she is open to you smoking a pipe on a very limited basis just be open and honest about what your expectations are and what her expectations are and be sure to stick to whatever agreement you guys come to.

I was smoking a pipe way before I met my wife but we still had to have a talk about it. After kids I agreed not smoke in the house anymore and she asked that I do it at night when they're asleep. I stick to my end of the agreement she's held up hers and hasn't made a peep about me smoking at night, but I think it's due to honesty on both sides. She doesn't mind if I smoke a pipe during the day while I'm at home and the boys are busy playing or watching TV or doing something like that. But I clearly say I'm stepping out smoking pipe.
+1 Honesty has to be number 1. No room in a marriage for lies and sneaking. (Unless you like tension and arguing)
 

Merk3030

Well-known member
#24
I’ll just add, tread lightly and progress slowly. Sixteen years ago when my wife first caught me with a pipe, she was not too happy. First I smoked outside, then in my garage, then I got a smoking room, now I can smoke anywhere. She actually encourages my pipe smoking now. She just bought me a Charatan for our 19th anniversary and a Dr. Bob for Christmas.
Take baby steps and don’t push too hard, too fast.
Also, reciprocate by encouraging your wife to do something she loves. My wife is a runner and I never miss a chance to cheer her on!
I always try to be supportive of her hobbies and passions, great advice.

Wow, there is some great advice here. I am serious when I say I can't improve on what has already been said. I tend to agree with @StompyMcFat, that your wife's displeasure may be very nuanced and will thus need a nuanced response. Be patient, you will both come to an agreement somehow. Good luck.
Thank you! I am sure we will.

+1 Honesty has to be number 1. No room in a marriage for lies and sneaking. (Unless you like tension and arguing)
Absolutely agree.

Great wisdom on these boards. Again, I appreciate the candor.
 

tfdickson

Well-known member
Sales
Patron
#25
I’ll just add, tread lightly and progress slowly. Sixteen years ago when my wife first caught me with a pipe, she was not too happy. First I smoked outside, then in my garage, then I got a smoking room, now I can smoke anywhere. She actually encourages my pipe smoking now. She just bought me a Charatan for our 19th anniversary and a Dr. Bob for Christmas.
Take baby steps and don’t push too hard, too fast.
Also, reciprocate by encouraging your wife to do something she loves. My wife is a runner and I never miss a chance to cheer her on!
This is has been my experience without the initial unhappiness and I’m at the smoking room stage. To answer the original questions I set aside time each day, most of the time from 9:00pm - 10:30 and sometimes stretched to 8:30 - 11:00. This is after the kids are in bed and I’ve made and had dinner with my wife. I can be pretty gregarious and social but I need time by myself each day to recharge and be alone with my thoughts (and of course read about and comment on pipe stuff here). The pipe is a key part of that- if I’m smoking my pipe it means I’m settled and relaxing and unwinding. Sometimes on weekends I can fit in a breakfast pipe or even an afternoon pipe, but again that’s in the context of relaxing. Sometimes my boys (6 and 3) come into my den during these sessions, sometimes not. I have excellent ventilation with a window fan next to my chair so neither I or my wife are concerned about them simply being in proximity to me while I’m enjoying a pipe.

Between work, the kids, and all the other obligations of life I firmly believe that having some time (mostly to myself) carved out to enjoy my pipes helps keep me sane and grounded. That’s obviously important and I think my wife understands that well.
 

JustScott

Well-known member
#26
When my wife and I met, I smoked cigarettes. She strongly disliked that, but didn't hassle me about it. We talked about it many times, and she knew I planned to quit, and that was enough for her. I did quit, and it was hard and nasty, as it always is. About 10 years later, I brought up the possibility of a pipe. She was cool with it, on the one condition that I didn't start smoking cigarettes again, which I was totally cool with as well. I smoked wherever at first, only really got pushback when I didn't have my fans set up well. Actually, only got pushback THEN when I was smoking something that maybe should have been outside anyway (the one VERY STRONG reaction was to Commonwealth from SG, 50% latakia. Understandable, really, lol...) When my daughter came along, I stopped smoking inside unless she was asleep. Now I don't smoke inside at all, as I have a nice little space set up in the garden. I don't hide my smoking in any way. When I'm smoking in the garden, almost half the time my wife and daughter come down there, at least for a bit. Even when she was a baby, I'd be out the front window of the apartment. Once she was walking, she would always go over to the window and knock on it to wave at me. She's always known that I smoke a pipe, and I think that's the best way. Easier to NOT have that conversation when she's like 13 about "You've been lying to me all my life, etc..."
So, really I've never had disapproval from my wife, but I could see where it could have happened. The main thing is that I've never tried to hide anything from her, I wanted to smoke a pipe so I talked to her about it first. A very important thing is to talk about it first, but the REALLY IMPORTANT thing is to PICK YOUR TIME. Ask yourself, what's her mood, what's her activity level, how is she feeling about me, right now. Then decide if THIS is the time to bring it up, or if it should wait until later. Too many times, things turn into a fight when they don't have to do so. One other thing is ALWAYS LISTEN. Even if you know what she's objecting to is misinformation, or is an artifact of her mood, or has more to do with the dream she had last night, doesn't matter. If you just brush it off, not only will you lose that argument/discussion, you will overall lose ground. Make sure the time is right, always listen, always stay calm, and know that sometimes you will just disagree (and hopefully she knows and accepts that too.) Just 2 more cents in the pile...
 

JustScott

Well-known member
#27
Meant to add to the above, but forgot... I only smoke 1 bowl a day, occasionally 2 but almost always just 1. It happens after dinner, which usually happens for me right after my daughter is in bed. The first year or so of her life, I still smoked somewhere between 3 and 5 most days (down from 6-8 before), but since about a year or 15 months old, it's been 1 bowl/day for the most part. Looking to increase as my daughter needs less supervision/assistance/etc. So while I still smoke, it's less while my kid is little. Worth it to be an involved father...
 
#30
Her biggest worry is probably a relapse to cigarettes or that the pipe will prove equally addicting. Only cure for that is time. My wife was very unenthusiastic when I took the pipe back up but seeing the way I enjoy it, i.e. a few bowls a week she’s much less worried. But it takes time to show that it can be an occasional treat.
 

Old Tom

Well-known member
#31
I'd been smoking cigarettes and pipes for years when my wife and I first married. We've been married 34 years now. I decided to give up cigarettes 18 years ago but not pipes. She's a non-smoker. We bought a house shortly after we married. It's a three-bedroom so I took the smallest of the three and turned it into my home office and smoking room (man cave).
I installed a ceiling exhaust fan to held rid the room of smoke and even weather-stripped the door. This is the only room of the house where I smoke.
I do smoke in the car, much to her dislike, but open a window next to me slightly when I do and I'm not a 'heavy puffer'.
So far this all seems to work but she still doesn't like the pipe smoke although I do receive complements from others when I smoke in public outdoor spaces.
I only smoke an occasional cigar on the deck outside when she's not around because she hates cigars even more than pipes or cigarettes.
 
#32
If it is any help at all, my wife and I both smoked heavily (read 1-3 packs of cigarettes a day each depending on the day) when we first met, we also drank very heavily, the drinking is a discussion for another time but the cigarette habit for me was becoming burdensome and had to go. At no point did I then or have I since expressed any kind of pressure on her to follow suit, the rule in the home is generally cleanliness, if a family member/ neighbor walks in and is clearly offended then we are not doing a good enough job keeping things nice. She recently has embarked on a course of life improvements that include giving up the coffin nails, there was an immediate discussion that occurred between us to determine boundaries, and like many things in a marriage that is a huge part, I have agreed to do my best to accommodate her choices, which has included the temporary suspension of my bedtime pipe, she knows hat eventually this is likely to resume, but to help ease the burden of the quitting process (for those who have never been through it yes, it's a horrid experience and yes you can accomplish it) I have made concessions, perhaps there is a concession you can make to earn a bit of latitude to show her that you are a responsible adult who is not looking to revert to old habits but instead wants to expand horizons
 

aGAKWq

Well-known member
Sales
Patron
#33
My wife smoked cigarettes when we met, and long story short, she eventually enrolled in smoking cessation class, twice, and failed both times until she quit cold turkey and it stuck. I had already stopped smoking my pipe ( that was my collection - one. pipe. ) when we met, got married, and eventually set sail for Japan (first duty station after we got hitched in Vegas). I had it packed in one of the boxes though ( the P.Viou ). I did start smoking cigars, and it was so every now and then it barely registered in our relationship - even though the humidors started to collect and get full. Fast forward to 2017, when I rediscovered pipes ( and pipesmokersforum ). So far, only raised eyebrows and acceptance. Probably because I smoke outside lol.

 
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